The Melissa Lenormand is finished, in case you haven’t heard.

You know what would be great? If these things could just print up themselves. I’ve been banging my head against a wall for weeks trying to figure out the logistics of all of this and honestly, I still don’t know where I’m going.

It’s one thing or another and all of them add up to a big headache for me. But at this point, I have to finish. I have to push through. I can’t just let it drop when I’m so so close.

When I started the project, I never really had much vision for the finished physical cards. Honestly it was more of an exercise in photoshop, collage, art, lenormand stuff. I’ve been wanting to make a tarot pack for a long time and thought doing this would give me the courage and background to tackle a full seventy-eight card deck.

And now? Well, I’m still not sure. Yes, it’s satisfying, but it’s also a pain. And the only reason I can think of doing it is because I’m either crazy or in love (and often, being crazy-in-love is exactly the reason we tackle large thankless artful projects with no hopes of compensation, right?).

And that sort of brings me around to other questions that have been nagging at me the past few weeks. Questions like, just what am I doing, really? Am I an artist? Am I a tarot reader? Am I a writer? A crafter? I feel like if I were just one thing — an artist, for example, bringing forth a big project like the Lenormand, or putting together a proper tarot pack, would be no problem. Piece of cake! It’s what I do, see? I am (insert ONE thing here).

But the truth is, I’m so many things and I find myself, my time, my mind and my desires splintered in so many directions that I can’t even begin to nail myself to a wall. And frankly, that seems like it would be bad for my career.

Earlier this week I listened to a marketing teleconference call by Elizabeth Genco Purvis.  And one of the things she talked about was putting your authentic self into your marketing for your business. And it got me thinking that I either A. Don’t have an authentic self or B. My authentic self is schizophrenic. And every time I ever read anything about being successful in business or life or whatever, they talk about having a clear focus. But me? I’m all over the map! Yes, I love reading tarot cards, but I also love sewing handbags. I love art, but I make a lot more money doing freelance copywriting. It’s very satisfying designing crochet patterns. I want to open a coffeeshop. I want to be a llama farmer. If I could make sauerkraut all day, I’d be happy (for a few weeks, that is — then it’d be on to something new). Ooooh, there’s my ukulele in the corner. Wonder if I could get a gig to play down at the bar next week…

So how do I pack all that authentic self into one little website about tarot? And if I’m busy marketing my tarot practice, when do I get time for learning to spin recycled art yarn out of dryer lint and dog hair? And if you’re reading all this authentic stuff about me, are you going to think to yourself, “This lady is nuts!! I don’t want her probing the dark recesses of my past or divining the mysteries of my future!!”

Because the truth is, I have no idea what I’m doing, or why I’m doing it, or how I’m going to get anything done! Like self-publishing a deck of cards, I’m mostly doing this all by the seat of my pants. I can’t think of any way to be more authentic than that. And honestly, honestly. It’s hard for me.