This is a series of blog posts about my life in tarot and my experiences as a tarot reader. The characters in the series are based on people I actually read for — sometimes I’ve combined traits and readings from more than one client into one character for the purpose of storytelling (just in case you’re a regular of mine and see a bit of yourself in here). I love all my clients and respect their privacy, so key names and details have been changed. I’d love to hear your feedback about this series and whether you’d like to hear more! Previous installments of the series can be found here.

In 1909 Sir Alfred Edward Waite released a deck he designed, commissioned by an artist named Pamela Coleman Smith. He designed the cards in the metaphysical tradition of the Golden Dawn Society (an esoteric club that was en vogue with the upper-middle classes of England and America) and Pixie illustrated them. The Rider publishing house printed the cards and the resulting deck, the Rider-Waite Tarot (now the Rider-Waite-Smith or Pamela Coleman Smith deck), has become the most popular and arguably the most accessible system of divination that the western world has known.

The first known use of tarrochi cards (a popular card game in Italy and France) for divination dates roughly back to 16th century France. The cards included twenty-two themed cards that became what is known as the Major Arcana and fifty-six pip cards that roughly correspond to a standard pack of playing cards (included was an extra court card for each suite – the page). Historically, the pips were plain – numbered with the suite – like playing card pips. That’s why Waite’s contribution to tarot was so revolutionary – he envisioned fully illustrated scenic pips that conveyed the card meaning using symbols that were relevant to the tradition of the Golden Dawn Society. Today there are thousands upon thousands of tarot decks that build on that tradition and apply wholly different symbols to mean more or less the same thing. The point being, if you can read a RWS deck, you can read 90% of the tarot packs you’ll find at any given metashop. Like vampires? There’s a tarot for you. Like fairies? The Renaissance? Romantic period? The novels of Jane Austen? Hello Kitty? There’s a tarot pack for you.

The Major cards are numbered zero through twenty-one. The Fool is zero. The World is twenty-one. The cards in-between represent sweeping themes and archetypes that make up human existence. The Minor Arcana cards in the suits of Cups, Wands, Pentacles and Swords (hearts, clubs, diamonds and spades, respectively), Ace through King, represent situations, events, actions and people that one might encounter in daily life.

Danielle sat on the floor in my living room, hand clutching a tissue, bent over a chest I used as a coffee-table. I was opposite her, pulling cards and passing them over the steady stream of curling incense smoke before they found their place on the woven scarf I used as a spread cloth. The cards weren’t good and her eyes were spilling over with tears. Turbulent court cards, Kings and Knights. She was in a troubled marriage. She had two small children at home and while she worked hard as a Realtor, she had little success in the downtrodden rural economy. She wanted desperately to leave her husband – had even considered an affair at one point, but feared his temper and the repercussions for her children. It wouldn’t matter, I told her, turning over the Page of Cups and then Eight of Swords. The Eight is illustrated with a bound and blindfolded woman, surrounded by eight swords. The cold wind whips her hair across her pallid face and the landscape is harsh and barren. He would be arrested, in jail soon enough. She exhaled loudly and burst into awkward laughter. I pursed my lips while she described his violent outbursts. He’d never hit her, she insisted. He’d never hurt the kids, but still… something fierce was building up inside him.

She called me the next morning to let me know that he’d been picked up by the cops overnight during a bar fight. She had packed her children up and moved them back in with her parents. She thanked me over and over again for the reading – for the insight it provided her and promised that she would be calling again, that she would tell all her friends about the amazing wonderful psychic she had met. I haven’t heard from her since.

I am not psychic. Not in the way it’s portrayed on television. A friend of mine once accused me of defrauding people – letting them believe I was seeing into their minds. It’s not like that though and I never represent myself in that way. My card says my name – followed by the words “Tarot Consultant.”

Anyone can read cards. Some of the best readings I’ve ever gotten were from people who had never seen a tarot pack before. I would put the cards in front of them and ask them to shuffle. Ask them to pull. Close your eyes. Tell me what you see in the cards. Tell me how it relates to me. Say the first thing that pops into your mind. Make it up if you have to.

I think that part of what I do is just opening a dialogue. The images in the cards immediately bring to mind specific situations that nearly everyone has gone through. Seeing those trigger memories that we connect with our current situations. Sometimes just being reminded of lessons we’ve learned in the past is enough to help us solve the problems ahead of us. It’s also helpful, when we’ve exhausted all rational means of problem-solving, to look at something from a completely irrational angle. Try something crazy to break out of the rut we’ve found ourselves in. Get a tarot reading. How irrational is that? Once we begin to see our small problems as part of a larger human experience, they feel more manageable. That’s all I do. I facilitate the irrational.

And then there’s the part where I’m just really good at reading people’s intentions. It’s not hard, when you’ve spent enough time talking to someone, to guess how their current actions are going to influence future decisions. Perhaps that is the talent I actually possess. I don’t like to call it cold reading – because that makes it sound like something deceitful. I don’t look for personal queues and predict that a tall, dark stranger whose first name begins with T will come into your life the second week of February. Maybe I’m just not that good. Instead, I see a Knight of Swords and I suggest that the energy is ripe for an intense encounter with someone who will impress you with sharp opinions, quick wit and high energy. Does it happen? I don’t know. It has happened for me though – when I know what to look for, I see it. I guess that’s part of the trick too, right? But what does it say about our human minds – that we’re susceptible to this kind of suggestion? Maybe we were meant to be suggested to, that’s all I’m saying.

The Melissa Lenormand is finished, in case you haven’t heard.

You know what would be great? If these things could just print up themselves. I’ve been banging my head against a wall for weeks trying to figure out the logistics of all of this and honestly, I still don’t know where I’m going.

It’s one thing or another and all of them add up to a big headache for me. But at this point, I have to finish. I have to push through. I can’t just let it drop when I’m so so close.

When I started the project, I never really had much vision for the finished physical cards. Honestly it was more of an exercise in photoshop, collage, art, lenormand stuff. I’ve been wanting to make a tarot pack for a long time and thought doing this would give me the courage and background to tackle a full seventy-eight card deck.

And now? Well, I’m still not sure. Yes, it’s satisfying, but it’s also a pain. And the only reason I can think of doing it is because I’m either crazy or in love (and often, being crazy-in-love is exactly the reason we tackle large thankless artful projects with no hopes of compensation, right?).

And that sort of brings me around to other questions that have been nagging at me the past few weeks. Questions like, just what am I doing, really? Am I an artist? Am I a tarot reader? Am I a writer? A crafter? I feel like if I were just one thing — an artist, for example, bringing forth a big project like the Lenormand, or putting together a proper tarot pack, would be no problem. Piece of cake! It’s what I do, see? I am (insert ONE thing here).

But the truth is, I’m so many things and I find myself, my time, my mind and my desires splintered in so many directions that I can’t even begin to nail myself to a wall. And frankly, that seems like it would be bad for my career.

Earlier this week I listened to a marketing teleconference call by Elizabeth Genco Purvis.  And one of the things she talked about was putting your authentic self into your marketing for your business. And it got me thinking that I either A. Don’t have an authentic self or B. My authentic self is schizophrenic. And every time I ever read anything about being successful in business or life or whatever, they talk about having a clear focus. But me? I’m all over the map! Yes, I love reading tarot cards, but I also love sewing handbags. I love art, but I make a lot more money doing freelance copywriting. It’s very satisfying designing crochet patterns. I want to open a coffeeshop. I want to be a llama farmer. If I could make sauerkraut all day, I’d be happy (for a few weeks, that is — then it’d be on to something new). Ooooh, there’s my ukulele in the corner. Wonder if I could get a gig to play down at the bar next week…

So how do I pack all that authentic self into one little website about tarot? And if I’m busy marketing my tarot practice, when do I get time for learning to spin recycled art yarn out of dryer lint and dog hair? And if you’re reading all this authentic stuff about me, are you going to think to yourself, “This lady is nuts!! I don’t want her probing the dark recesses of my past or divining the mysteries of my future!!”

Because the truth is, I have no idea what I’m doing, or why I’m doing it, or how I’m going to get anything done! Like self-publishing a deck of cards, I’m mostly doing this all by the seat of my pants. I can’t think of any way to be more authentic than that. And honestly, honestly. It’s hard for me.

The winners of the November contest are Ashtaroot and Johanna. You both should already have an email from me.

Thanks for playing! I’ll do another giveaway in a few weeks for Yule.