It’s only now beginning to sink in. What I’ve done, I mean. If you would have asked me a year ago whether I’d ever be a deck artist/creator, I’d probably have sighed and said, “Maybe, someday.” And then even after I started working on the Lenormand, I didn’t consider actual cards in actual boxes with an actual book… but so much momentum was building and there was only one way to go. And now here I am, reading emails and forum posts and blog entries that other people are writing about my cards, as they hold them in their hands.

It’s very surreal to me.

It’s hard to read the good stuff and the bad stuff. I shouldn’t say that, but it’s true. The bad stuff is just painful. The good stuff is just perplexing. You know how when you bake twelve dozen cookies for some big event and then you get done and everyone rants and raves about the cookies but you can’t even touch them because you spent all that time making them and looking at them kind of makes you a little queasy? It’s almost like that.

I’ve got a handful of decks left and then poof! What next? A book maybe. Who knows. Going back to the cards, going back to tarot. Back to my sitters. Back to self. That’s where it all begins.

The week I sent out the pre-ordered decks I also finished all the requirements of my Bachelor’s degree and my daughter took her first steps. In the weeks before that, my son turned three and I traveled to New York City for Readers Studio. Days earlier I got my cast off my fractured wrist — and I’m still healing. Maybe I just need to relax for awhile, but the wheel keeps turning and I’m compelled to move. There will always be milestones, challenges and rites, conferences, meetings and coffee with friends, roller derby, reading and writing, that creative fire burning, prickling my fingers to make something new.

The Rider, the Stork and the Snake cards from The Melissa Lenormand.

These are my cards today. This is what I am now. The Rider is the industrious maker — the push forward — the momentum that keeps the wheel spinning. The Stork is the divine inspiration, the seed of new creation. The Snake is the knowledge of good and evil, that precocious balance I strive for and sometimes hit — my head wrapped around these new ideas — my obsessive nature that won’t let me drop it, won’t let me feel at ease. It’s wonderful and dangerous and difficult — but it always is, I imagine, when you run 250 copies of yourself and fling them out into the world.

The Melissa Lenormand is finished, in case you haven’t heard.

You know what would be great? If these things could just print up themselves. I’ve been banging my head against a wall for weeks trying to figure out the logistics of all of this and honestly, I still don’t know where I’m going.

It’s one thing or another and all of them add up to a big headache for me. But at this point, I have to finish. I have to push through. I can’t just let it drop when I’m so so close.

When I started the project, I never really had much vision for the finished physical cards. Honestly it was more of an exercise in photoshop, collage, art, lenormand stuff. I’ve been wanting to make a tarot pack for a long time and thought doing this would give me the courage and background to tackle a full seventy-eight card deck.

And now? Well, I’m still not sure. Yes, it’s satisfying, but it’s also a pain. And the only reason I can think of doing it is because I’m either crazy or in love (and often, being crazy-in-love is exactly the reason we tackle large thankless artful projects with no hopes of compensation, right?).

And that sort of brings me around to other questions that have been nagging at me the past few weeks. Questions like, just what am I doing, really? Am I an artist? Am I a tarot reader? Am I a writer? A crafter? I feel like if I were just one thing — an artist, for example, bringing forth a big project like the Lenormand, or putting together a proper tarot pack, would be no problem. Piece of cake! It’s what I do, see? I am (insert ONE thing here).

But the truth is, I’m so many things and I find myself, my time, my mind and my desires splintered in so many directions that I can’t even begin to nail myself to a wall. And frankly, that seems like it would be bad for my career.

Earlier this week I listened to a marketing teleconference call by Elizabeth Genco Purvis.  And one of the things she talked about was putting your authentic self into your marketing for your business. And it got me thinking that I either A. Don’t have an authentic self or B. My authentic self is schizophrenic. And every time I ever read anything about being successful in business or life or whatever, they talk about having a clear focus. But me? I’m all over the map! Yes, I love reading tarot cards, but I also love sewing handbags. I love art, but I make a lot more money doing freelance copywriting. It’s very satisfying designing crochet patterns. I want to open a coffeeshop. I want to be a llama farmer. If I could make sauerkraut all day, I’d be happy (for a few weeks, that is — then it’d be on to something new). Ooooh, there’s my ukulele in the corner. Wonder if I could get a gig to play down at the bar next week…

So how do I pack all that authentic self into one little website about tarot? And if I’m busy marketing my tarot practice, when do I get time for learning to spin recycled art yarn out of dryer lint and dog hair? And if you’re reading all this authentic stuff about me, are you going to think to yourself, “This lady is nuts!! I don’t want her probing the dark recesses of my past or divining the mysteries of my future!!”

Because the truth is, I have no idea what I’m doing, or why I’m doing it, or how I’m going to get anything done! Like self-publishing a deck of cards, I’m mostly doing this all by the seat of my pants. I can’t think of any way to be more authentic than that. And honestly, honestly. It’s hard for me.

I have three new cards done on the oracle deck. The Fox, the Woman and the Tree cards are all finished. You can see all of them on the oracle deck page. I have been having a ball working on this when I get the time. I really need about six extra hours in the day if I’m going to get anything done at all.

Oh, I also redid the readings page finally. Haha. I know a few of you have been pestering me about that! Let me know if something is confusing or unclear.

This week I probably won’t be able to do any more cards. I have a marathon sewing session ahead of me for Halloween. My husband needs me to sew him a lab coat a la Dr. Horrible. For me, I’m going as a fortune teller (of course!) and I’m going to try to sew a complete underbust corset. This will probably end with a lot of cursing and hanging out with my friend Jack (the seam ripper). I haven’t even decided what the kids are going to be — but probably something simple — using materials I already have in my fabric stash. I have a hunch I may just cut eye holes in a sheet for Sullivan. I know it’s a ridiculously simple costume, but in my head he’d love it and be so cute!

Halloween/Samhain is my absolute favorite time of the year. And then on Nov. 1st, we’re going to go to a Dia de los Muertos festival. I have my house all decorated for it. I probably decorate more for harvest season and Halloween than I do for Yule. And right now I’m batty (get it, batty!) about Halloween or skull themed tarot decks, of course!

I actually got some new tarot decks this week. Thanks to some great people on a certain tarot forum, I now have a copy of MRP’s Fairy Tale tarot. I also have the companion book for the Fantastic Menagerie finally! This is one of my absolute favorite decks, so I’m pretty happy about that. Once I’ve had a chance to sit down the Fairy Tale, I’ll post a review.

Next up on my wishlist would be Lisa Hunt’s Fairy Tale deck. Looks absolutely lovey and dreamy and soft! Maybe for Yule.

I have a novel to read before midnight tonight for my English Lit class and some Spanish homework to do for tomorrow! Have a great day everyone!