It’s only now beginning to sink in. What I’ve done, I mean. If you would have asked me a year ago whether I’d ever be a deck artist/creator, I’d probably have sighed and said, “Maybe, someday.” And then even after I started working on the Lenormand, I didn’t consider actual cards in actual boxes with an actual book… but so much momentum was building and there was only one way to go. And now here I am, reading emails and forum posts and blog entries that other people are writing about my cards, as they hold them in their hands.

It’s very surreal to me.

It’s hard to read the good stuff and the bad stuff. I shouldn’t say that, but it’s true. The bad stuff is just painful. The good stuff is just perplexing. You know how when you bake twelve dozen cookies for some big event and then you get done and everyone rants and raves about the cookies but you can’t even touch them because you spent all that time making them and looking at them kind of makes you a little queasy? It’s almost like that.

I’ve got a handful of decks left and then poof! What next? A book maybe. Who knows. Going back to the cards, going back to tarot. Back to my sitters. Back to self. That’s where it all begins.

The week I sent out the pre-ordered decks I also finished all the requirements of my Bachelor’s degree and my daughter took her first steps. In the weeks before that, my son turned three and I traveled to New York City for Readers Studio. Days earlier I got my cast off my fractured wrist — and I’m still healing. Maybe I just need to relax for awhile, but the wheel keeps turning and I’m compelled to move. There will always be milestones, challenges and rites, conferences, meetings and coffee with friends, roller derby, reading and writing, that creative fire burning, prickling my fingers to make something new.

The Rider, the Stork and the Snake cards from The Melissa Lenormand.

These are my cards today. This is what I am now. The Rider is the industrious maker — the push forward — the momentum that keeps the wheel spinning. The Stork is the divine inspiration, the seed of new creation. The Snake is the knowledge of good and evil, that precocious balance I strive for and sometimes hit — my head wrapped around these new ideas — my obsessive nature that won’t let me drop it, won’t let me feel at ease. It’s wonderful and dangerous and difficult — but it always is, I imagine, when you run 250 copies of yourself and fling them out into the world.

You know what would be great? If these things could just print up themselves. I’ve been banging my head against a wall for weeks trying to figure out the logistics of all of this and honestly, I still don’t know where I’m going.

It’s one thing or another and all of them add up to a big headache for me. But at this point, I have to finish. I have to push through. I can’t just let it drop when I’m so so close.

When I started the project, I never really had much vision for the finished physical cards. Honestly it was more of an exercise in photoshop, collage, art, lenormand stuff. I’ve been wanting to make a tarot pack for a long time and thought doing this would give me the courage and background to tackle a full seventy-eight card deck.

And now? Well, I’m still not sure. Yes, it’s satisfying, but it’s also a pain. And the only reason I can think of doing it is because I’m either crazy or in love (and often, being crazy-in-love is exactly the reason we tackle large thankless artful projects with no hopes of compensation, right?).

And that sort of brings me around to other questions that have been nagging at me the past few weeks. Questions like, just what am I doing, really? Am I an artist? Am I a tarot reader? Am I a writer? A crafter? I feel like if I were just one thing — an artist, for example, bringing forth a big project like the Lenormand, or putting together a proper tarot pack, would be no problem. Piece of cake! It’s what I do, see? I am (insert ONE thing here).

But the truth is, I’m so many things and I find myself, my time, my mind and my desires splintered in so many directions that I can’t even begin to nail myself to a wall. And frankly, that seems like it would be bad for my career.

Earlier this week I listened to a marketing teleconference call by Elizabeth Genco Purvis.  And one of the things she talked about was putting your authentic self into your marketing for your business. And it got me thinking that I either A. Don’t have an authentic self or B. My authentic self is schizophrenic. And every time I ever read anything about being successful in business or life or whatever, they talk about having a clear focus. But me? I’m all over the map! Yes, I love reading tarot cards, but I also love sewing handbags. I love art, but I make a lot more money doing freelance copywriting. It’s very satisfying designing crochet patterns. I want to open a coffeeshop. I want to be a llama farmer. If I could make sauerkraut all day, I’d be happy (for a few weeks, that is — then it’d be on to something new). Ooooh, there’s my ukulele in the corner. Wonder if I could get a gig to play down at the bar next week…

So how do I pack all that authentic self into one little website about tarot? And if I’m busy marketing my tarot practice, when do I get time for learning to spin recycled art yarn out of dryer lint and dog hair? And if you’re reading all this authentic stuff about me, are you going to think to yourself, “This lady is nuts!! I don’t want her probing the dark recesses of my past or divining the mysteries of my future!!”

Because the truth is, I have no idea what I’m doing, or why I’m doing it, or how I’m going to get anything done! Like self-publishing a deck of cards, I’m mostly doing this all by the seat of my pants. I can’t think of any way to be more authentic than that. And honestly, honestly. It’s hard for me.

I have three new cards done on the oracle deck. The Fox, the Woman and the Tree cards are all finished. You can see all of them on the oracle deck page. I have been having a ball working on this when I get the time. I really need about six extra hours in the day if I’m going to get anything done at all.

Oh, I also redid the readings page finally. Haha. I know a few of you have been pestering me about that! Let me know if something is confusing or unclear.

This week I probably won’t be able to do any more cards. I have a marathon sewing session ahead of me for Halloween. My husband needs me to sew him a lab coat a la Dr. Horrible. For me, I’m going as a fortune teller (of course!) and I’m going to try to sew a complete underbust corset. This will probably end with a lot of cursing and hanging out with my friend Jack (the seam ripper). I haven’t even decided what the kids are going to be — but probably something simple — using materials I already have in my fabric stash. I have a hunch I may just cut eye holes in a sheet for Sullivan. I know it’s a ridiculously simple costume, but in my head he’d love it and be so cute!

Halloween/Samhain is my absolute favorite time of the year. And then on Nov. 1st, we’re going to go to a Dia de los Muertos festival. I have my house all decorated for it. I probably decorate more for harvest season and Halloween than I do for Yule. And right now I’m batty (get it, batty!) about Halloween or skull themed tarot decks, of course!

I actually got some new tarot decks this week. Thanks to some great people on a certain tarot forum, I now have a copy of MRP’s Fairy Tale tarot. I also have the companion book for the Fantastic Menagerie finally! This is one of my absolute favorite decks, so I’m pretty happy about that. Once I’ve had a chance to sit down the Fairy Tale, I’ll post a review.

Next up on my wishlist would be Lisa Hunt’s Fairy Tale deck. Looks absolutely lovey and dreamy and soft! Maybe for Yule.

I have a novel to read before midnight tonight for my English Lit class and some Spanish homework to do for tomorrow! Have a great day everyone!

This is how I always feel though!

If that weren’t enough, well I’m finally finishing up my bachelor’s degree and school has been kicking my butt. Right now I’m in four classes. So, two small children, full-time college classwork… yeah. I don’t know how I get anything done either.

A few weeks ago I started working on a collage oracle deck. It’s loosely based on the Lenormand system. The image above is from that deck — the Melissa Lenormand (working title). The project is really satisfying at the moment. I think a lot of my creative energy will get poured into this project. My goal is to finish the deck by Christmastime. I’ll make a new blog post when I have new cards available, so you can subscribe to the blog and receive notifications.

The other project I’m working on for the site is a newsletter called Tarotsense. I’m 80% done with the October/November issue.I think it’ll be really great. I have some articles on Samhain/Halloween, a tarot exercise and my favorite fall pumpkin recipe (it’s a lasagna!). I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. And I have it all in a convenient PDF format so you can print it out and read it where ever you want.

OK That’s all I have! I need more coffee if I’m going to survive Monday.

You know I love you, right? How about you write up a few sentences — five or six maybe — about how much you love me? As compensation for your time, I’ll give you half off a future reading! Does that sound good?

Email me (melissa@tarotbymelissa.com)!

You rock!
xoxo

I am so completely exhausted at the end of the day from chasing around this little imp, that I honestly don’t even have the energy to sit at the keyboard and pretend to blog! We had a really lovely weekend though — sledding with the grandparents and hanging out around the house.

We got a new washing machine and I finally got a new camera, which means you can expect an onslaught of photos on my blog! I’m honestly too wore out to talk tarot right now, but I did finish three new tarot bags and I’m planning on listing them in my etsy shop tomorrow (just plain tarot bags — nothing fancy and patchwork). AND I have a fancy new copy of Kat Black’s new Touchstone Tarot whizzing my way across time and space as I write. I really can’t express how happy this makes me. Since last summer I’ve been paring down my card collection significantly (I no longer have the Motherpeace or the Oracle of the Radiant Sun — both of which I’ve blogged about). And I haven’t done a whole lot to replace those decks I’ve parted with — so this is my first significant tarot purchase in a long while. I’ll be sure to write up a review when I have it in hand.

I’ll leave you with a picture of my cat, Frank. Frank isn’t a very friendly cat — in fact, he prefers to just be left alone. Sometimes we have arguments because every once in awhile he decides, for no apparent reason, to piddle outside his litter box. I don’t understand cats. As un-mystical as it may make me seem, I’m totally a dog person.

Sure, I can handle all of this — and take even more! What have you got universe? I’m ready for you! But dang, can’t I get a break? Can’t I get a 4 of Swords up in here?

While I’m posting, I should mention that I have an email change to announce. From now on, when you’re wanting to contact me personally to chit chat or whatever, use melissa@tarotbymelissa.com. For inquiries about readings, please email me at readings@tarotbymelissa.com. I’ll work on changing the links throughout the site and making changes on PayPal too. The old email address will still work, but I’m trying to consolidate things (and getting fancy new biz cards in later this week hopefully — with the new addresses on them).

Aside from being a stay-at-home/work-at-home mom to my son (and soon to be #2!!), I also go to school full time. This semester I am going to be doing my senior capstone project (although I won’t graduate for another year or so after that because I need to take some foreign language classes I’ve been putting off — ah procrastination!). It’s really difficult for me to focus on one project. I like to do lots of things at once, but I know that when I try this my class performance suffers or my side-jobs suffer. I do some card reading for extra income, but the majority of my financial contribution to our family comes from sewing. In the future, I’d like this to shift to reading cards and writing, primarily. This means that I need to focus on those two things though — instead of vegging out in front of my trusty sewing machine whenever I have a free moment.

Honestly, I have quite a few goals for this year. This blog is just one of them. Others include simple things like drinking more water. I also have more complicated goals — like finishing my Wilton cake decorating classes and starting classes in Reiki. I have a whole dream notebook full of gardening goals (and I’m already getting seed catalogs in the mail — which make me overly excited about spring in January). See, my interests are all over the place.

So today I decided to do a draw on what I should keep in mind if I want to accomplish my goals. Just some basic direction — really. I don’t need a major plan of action yet. I like to work in small increments — but I also don’t want to get overwhelmed. So I shuffled my Fantastic Menagerie Tarot and pulled one card.

I pulled — I kid you not, and this is why I love tarot — the Ace of Wands. The Fantastic Menagerie is a deck with a lot of biting wit. You can’t escape the irony when you’re reading with these cards. This card in particular shows a kind of deer man holding a newborn chick baby. He strikes me as a new papa, proudly admiring his progeny.

Aces are all about beginnings and wands are all about that creative and passionate fire within us. I think that the message behind this card is that if I want to accomplish my goals, I will have to work at maintaining the same kind of excitement and inspiration next month and the month after as I am experiencing right now. As a new mother I can definitively say that accomplishing goals is sort of like having a baby. At first it’s all ooohs and aaah! and then comes dirty diaper after dirty diaper. The trick to not burning out is to remember why you were so excited and in love with your ideas in the first place (admittedly, this is easier with your children because they eventually get excited and love you back — while ideas and goals just kind of hang around* in the air until you’ve satisfied your accomplishments. Also, you have to love your kids, it’s the law. You don’t have to love your ideas after they’ve run out of steam).

*Though ask me again in 16 or 17 years how I feel about my kids just hanging around and perhaps my opinion will have changed.